you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
