Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
