Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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