I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
