this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
