now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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