How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
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