i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
