My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
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He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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