Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
