Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
he was CRYING into my vagina
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
