okay pat passed out under dana's car
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
