my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
