so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
