If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
