I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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