You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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