Only a mothe r could love this liver
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
