how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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