I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
