My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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