i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
