i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
