my vag is so smooth its legendary
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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