Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
