we made out on top of his cat.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I love you. Go after that dick
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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