under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
