I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
