didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
