Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
