We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
