Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
