If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
