am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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