wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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