Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
