PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
