im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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