before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
