Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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