i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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