My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
