It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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