I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
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His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
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Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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