Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My room smells like vodka and shame
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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