Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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