guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
