I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
