last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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