I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You are the jesus of drinking
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
