i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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