Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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