I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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