We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
