This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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