he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
