You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
