Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
