Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
