If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
