why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
